


Out of context fanfics

by Meh_66



Category: Little Witch Academia
Genre: AAAaaaaAAAAAAaaaAA, Diakko, F/F, Fluff, i read way too much smut, idk who the authors are but they are amazing, this just sum funni shit, updates whenever the hell i want, useless fuckin lesbians, vert quoteable
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:47:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23824831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meh_66/pseuds/Meh_66
Summary: This is just a bunch of zero context fan fiction. Just some really funny shit. Most of it is from diakko smut that I've read. At 3AM. Don't ask about my sleep schedule. It's not healthy.Disclamer: I don't remember the specific works these quotes are from. I've read too much smut and it's all blending together. Credit to all the quotes/quips go to the original author.
Relationships: Diana Cavendish/Atsuko "Akko" Kagari, Hannah England/Amanda O'Neill, Hannah England/Amanda O'Neill/Barbara Parker, Ursula Callistis | Chariot du Nord/Croix Meridies
Comments: 22
Kudos: 46





	1. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

She was extremely attractive. And not in a gay ‘Oh my God please pin me against the wall and demolish me’ kinda way, if anything she was more envious of her stunning appearance. Or… huh, difficult to tell.

(´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)

Constanze Amalie von Braunschbank-Albrechtsberger

Run out, make out, peace out, explain nothing.

hey diana what if you and akko were soulmates wouldnt that be weird lmao anyway bye

The corners of Akko’s mouth upturned sheepishly. “You, uh…kissed my eyelid.”

And then there was Akko Kagari, who had about 14 dollars, 36 cents and one stick of cherry gum in her pocket.

Was this what kids read nowadays? This shirtless smut? Unbelievable.

Ugh shut up evil-mom I don’t even like Akko like that you’re embarrassing me.

Why in the name of god is there a teacher called Badcock ahahahaha

“It’s time to commence Operation-learn-how-to-dominate-Diana,” Ninja Akko whispered.

She looked like a kicked puppy.

“That is what happens when you keep smut novels within the reach of children.”

“I believe this is how you correctly dominate someone,” Diana whispered.

Amanda O’Neill was starting to get impatient. Her gaydar had been pinging nonstop when Diana and Akko were within 10 feet of each other for months now, but nothing had happened yet!

“Sorry now, but I just have such big dyke energy that my gaydar reflects that perfection.

“Akko. Please let go of my breasts.” She heard Diana utter with a strained voice.

Lads why is one of Luna Nova's professors called Badcock lmaoooooooooo

“No one understands anything about me.

What are you, stupid?! Of course no one understands! No one could possibly understand!

The only person who can sympathise with you and understand you, is you.

So, be good to yourself.

Finding someone who wants to understand you, isn’t that what it’s about? To feel loved?”

“whatever happens tomorrow, we’ve had today”

Diana would never admit it, but she was actually impressed that the rebellious American girl was managing to complain while laying across her broom -on her back- and continuing to fly perfectly straight.

Curses. Once again foiled by a reflective surface.

Me: "Dianakko week, huh? Sounds cool, I should write something fun and short."

Me, but 10,000 words later: "I've made some poor decisions in my life."

The beginning of what sounded suspiciously like muffled screaming began ringing through her head.

aaaaaAAAHHHHHHHH, went the muffled screaming in her head.

"but I swear on the Shiny Rod that last time I got a checkup from her, she took one of my livers without telling me! I mean, she put it back after we were done, but still!"

Me: Okay, so the first chapter went a little longer than expected, but the second chapter should be shorter and easier to write, right?

Me, but an additional 13,000 words later: That's where you're wrong kiddo

Diana's reaction was like kicking a puppy but worse, like- like kicking over a box of ten puppies.

Uh, hullo, Akko here, I've had this super big crush on you since forever and I just found out through my (clinically) insane friend and a cup of tea that I thought was spiked but not actually spiked that you also sorta, kinda, maybe have a crush on me back?

“I was, er, sleeping. Yeah, that’s it! Sleeping! On the floor. The library is really quiet, y’know?”

_ Kinky Diana... _

This time we won't be having sex we'll be making love! ~ Croix 2017

_ Kinky Diana… _

"Ecchi Croix-Sensei." Akko says softly.

“But I’m the one stripping.”

“Are you telling me that…” she whispers shocked. “…I missed one of the few moments of Chariot being all Ecchi?!” the inventor screams bitterly. “I will kill you Akko!”

“Wait!” Akko says relieved. “So then that means that I didn’t you see you two...” she points at Ursula and Croix. “Have hot, steamy, vampire sex in one of the classrooms of the Astronomy Tower?”

“IneedyourhelpbecauseDianaandIwillhavesex!”

“So Diana caught you watching a porno…” Croix can’t help to say while laughing out-loud.

But Chariot had been holding her close and that was making her get nervous. And the last thing they needed right now was for her to feel embarrassed and aroused.

“She did?” Croix asks knowingly. “Or did you use your mind tricks to make her think so?”

“My mind tricks?” Ursula asks confused.

“Yeah, that way you have of making someone forget they’re upset about something by suggesting to them rational and realistic solutions to their frustrations.”

“Because I was frustrated as well!” Croix screams back. “Do you have any idea how painful it was to watch those two during 2 seasons and a movie and for nothing to happen! It just wasn’t fair at all.”

no one can resist this ass

im supposed to be the gay goddess wtf am i doing

Amanda: our teachers are eyefucking each other

Diana: amanda that is DISTASTEFUL

Amanda: YEAH U BETTER LEAVE ONLY SINGLE LADIES R ALLOWED HERE LIKE ME AN ANDREW

Andrew: maybe one day ill find the jay z to my beyoncé

IT'S LIKE NIGHTFALL!!!*fangirling intensifies*

Avery rolled her eyes. "Y'all motherfuckers need Jesus."

"GOD THAT WAS AN AMAZING PISS," Amanda yelled at the top of her lungs as she came out of her room.

"What do you expect after combining three churros with a pack of gummy worms?"

Amanda has ties to some people on the black market.

when i die i want my ashes mixed with glitter and packed tightly in the coffin

then they blow up the coffin with explosives so the glitter rains down on the guests while blasting "thanks for the memories" by fall out boy

Cons: im tired of this life

Mary: what dyou mean

Cons: i want to be a roomba

Cons: i want knives taped onto me

Cons: and i want to be set loose

Diana: Your father was running after you like a madman whilst you continued to increase thw speed and yell "I WANT TO FEEL CHRIS HEMSWORTHS ABS."

Jasna: i have a condition that prevents me for dieting and its called being hungry

Barbara: but we sacrificed u

Hannah: i took my phone to the afterlife

Hannah: hells got good reception

but do u have my back like the gmail security team has my back tho

Chariot: get ready to die

"Hey, don't insult the dollar store," Frank said. "This place has everything. I mean look at this! Why would I buy a Sharpie when I can get a Skerpie instead?"

Akko: it was in that moment i thanked the heavens for making me a girl because the boner i wouldve gotten i cant even

but Akko had read too much yuri to rule that out.

“Akko, I care about you. You could tell me that you committed arson and I’d still care about you. I mean, please don’t commit arson. 

lesbians can and should do arson

“Look, I just had the initial idea, right? I’m the...ideas lesbian. 

“Kagari, if you don’t tell me why you called in the next twenty seconds, I’m going to hang up and change my number.”

If nothing gets set on fire in this I will be seriously disappoint.

Diana had, in fact, thought about kissing Akko before, but in a normal friend way.

said Ursula, turning to the next page of this week’s trashy lesbian romance novel.

“My organs…” Akko squeaked

prepare yourself for: MAXIMUM GAY

the children are gay

Assdffhjlljgds these gay ass dorks share one(1) braincell and Diana was the only one who used it.

Croix tries to talk dirty to Chariot in French; Akko is confused, but Diana unfortunately understands.

“Amanda, you can’t force plot development, it has to unfold naturally!”

Despite the frenzied start to her academic career, all the little adventures Akko pulled Lotte and her into were nothing compared to the vengeful lesbian professor and her rouge missile strike. 

well that's all folks, they finally kissed and they have a future full of lots more kisses. also i need your opinion, is Lotte as kinky as Sucy?? because i think yes. that girl reads fanfiction, i bet she writes it too. was this a self-roast? did i just call MYSELF kinky because I'M reading and writing fanfiction?? idk i want whiskey rn

i can only offer u this porn sorry (；・∀・)

"It was ketchup" Jasminka chimed in as she shoved an entire churo into her mouth.

Diana made a mental note to ask Hannah and Barbara what a meme was.

they practically consumed each other,

This isn't rocket science because rocket science is easy.

"Croix." Chariot starts, tossing down the fork she was holding down to the plate. "When I came here I saw heaps of noodle cups in the trash, your fridge is empty of anything healthy and you ordered a pizza at 3 am in the morning. You need to eat healthier."

"Don't worry it's just my soul descending into hell,"

Akko’s walking safety hazard.

Akko has never been more thankful in her life that she couldn’t get a boner.

Akko tried to keep her mind in christian places but the stimulation coming from their contact was overwhelming.

Akko had almost cracked her skull

Croix learns quickly that being nasty in front of the kids means she's gonna get roasted.

lotte: back to metamorphosis

amanda: anyways back to whos gay

i may have been under the influence of cannabis when i wrote this. leave any criticisms or suggestions if you'd like. thanks for reading.

###  [**Chapter 4**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18527596/chapters/44517613) **: Execute Order 69**

Oh sweet lords of magic. She wanted to explode and leave nothing but a smoking crater. A tiny little picket sign erected nearby: ‘Here blasted Akko. What a Witch.’

Putting on her patented Strict Diana Face™,

Amanda went back to her seat with a lewd laugh.

“The readings are off the charts. Even Professor Croix doesn’t have a butch-i-chlorian count this high.”

Akko is a top, Diana is a bottom. I preach.

“Akko you’re my new hero! I would totally have your babies!”

At the moment, the prissy princess in question was attempting to detach herself from her emotions, a task that perhaps necessitated the aid of a guillotine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope u liked dis subscrib 2 the channel 4 moar also lik the vid and dont forget 2 self care bye


	2. bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive got like 50 pages of this shit god help me

Amanda had been watching this romance slow-burning along for months, she was owed a little action by now, damn it!

“Yeah, well she’d have an easier time admitting that she’s gayer than Oscar Wilde’s buttplugs

Where were they going to get a giant crocodile on such short notice anyway?

Akko, for her part, was doing amazing under the circumstances. Her crush was all over her and she hadn’t spontaneously combusted even once. 

True, her heart was beating so hard it was apt to rip a hole in the space-time continuum, and that sort of thing took a lot out of a girl. 

Amanda slammed the trio’s table with her fists. “You  **useless lesbian!** ”

“Didn’t you try to jump out a window a week or two ago?”

_ I, Atsuko Kagari, licked vanilla pudding off Diana Cavendish’s finger. _

A three-way would’ve overloaded Diana’s brain beyond repair.

Amanda had been training all her life to achieve such cockines, and not a bit of it was wasted.

Akko growled at Amanda with every hateful fiber of her body — granted, that wasn’t a lot. Maybe enough for a particularly vindictive handkerchief.

“Don’t judge me,” she told the crowd. “I’ve got an agenda and no impulse control.”

If anyone else had said that, Akko would’ve drawled out a “gaaaaaaaay” at them.

_ If I moan, I’m going to fly into the stratosphere and live there for the rest of my life. _

Featuring the real MVP, Ursula "Just Kiss Already" Callistis!

Warning: this chapter contains French.

Speak of the butch, and the butch will appear.

Akko wasn’t prepared for the question, and the only response she could manage was incoherent babbling. In Japanese.

_ Calm down, _ Akko told herself, banishing the synopses of a dozen yuri manga from her mind.  _ Just because she carried me like a princess, and we’re alone in the nurse’s office, and said she’d “take care of me” doesn’t mean anything is going to happen! _

_ Life isn’t a yuri manga, you dork. _

It was at that point Diana became acutely and inescapably aware of the fact that she was sitting next to a girl who liked girls on that girl’s bed, with a pile of Japanese lesbian literature between them.

“No fucks are going on,” Hannah shouted. “That’s the fucking problem.”

(dream-Hannah did not, and instead turned into a dragon and burned Amanda into a crisp).

“This is you, but in an alternate universe where bagels are people.”

_That is the single gayest thing I’ve ever heard,_ _and I hear Amanda talk every day_.

Amanda didn’t sulk often, but when she did, she did it in style.

she joked in the way that people do when they’re being completely 100% serious and attempting to disguise it with irony.

_ It was like something out of  _ Nightfall, _ but a thousand times better. _

her eyes burning with what Amanda was tempted to call lust.

GAY FEELINGS

“If you don’t stop staring at Akko in that _totally_ _heterosexual_ way, she’s going to get the wrong idea,” Amanda said.

“It’s not too late for you to be uninvited,” Diana said. “Or rather, banned from the premises.”

“You’re not hitting the dance floor in high-heeled crocs.”

She barely recognized herself. Who was the princess staring back at her, and could Akko get her number?

“Where are my bitches at?”

“Ties are for boardrooms and BDSM,”

Diana swallowed. “I think I’m a lesbian.”

“Cavendish is in top form tonight. Never mind a snack, she’s looking like a fucking banquet.

sucked the fun out of it like Diana with a vacuum.

“I think her brain is broken. She’s got a serious case of gay overload.”

_ What does that mean, you gorgeous enigma? _

if you’re going to compare me to a broom, I’m going to think you’re trying to straddle me.”

In the end, Amanda was a huge lesbian, and she was going to err on the side of doing something really gay.

Her crush had been acting weird all night. Different. Hot. Very hot.

Amanda, who had perfected the ability to see through poker faces due to countless illicit poker games,

I'm desperate to kiss a girl but not  _ that _ desperate!”

There was a certain joy in playing around with Luna Nova’s playboy lesbian.

If Amanda had to choose between sleeping between two hot girls she was lowkey crushing on and hanging out in a hallway,

_ I only just realized I’m a lesbian,  _ Diana thought.  _ How am I  _ this  _ gay?  _

Diana was extremely thankful that the lesbian fiction and yuri manga she’d been ordering (for “research purposes”) hadn’t made it to her bedroom shelf yet.

_ “Please get into my bed, by the way, did you know that I’m an enormous lesbian?”  _

Akko’s mouth was needy,

straight girls didn’t kiss other girls like that.

Finally, Diana is no longer an oblivious useless lesbian, but an aware useless lesbian

some rules were fucking bullshit and she broke them like her dad's promises.

"Hey, there's craftsmanship in delinquency. It's not all swearing and dress code violations, you know."

Hannah left Amanda alone with her extremely gay thoughts.

The last thing this bachelorette party needed was a naked Amanda.

"You're just trying to distract us from your vore thing,"

A whole new world of possibilities opened up to her and obliterated her ability to think straight. Pun intended.

she whispered the phrase "sexual stimulation."

“Since when does the straight way get anything done.”

The books asked me to rearrange Professor Badcock."

"Call her 'daddy'."

"What the fuck, Amanda?"

_ I'M GOING TO HAVE A GAY HEART ATTACK! _

She'd picked up the word from a fanfic she read. Yes, Akko did read. She read gay fanfics and nothing else, but it was at least some kind of reading.

Sleep-deprived and consistently distracted,

imagining her cape fluttering in a dramatically convenient breeze

"We don't have time for all this ass talk.

"What's the sharp teeth thing about anyway? I think I almost bit your tongue off a second ago."

It's as the saying goes, 'when in Akko, do as the Akkos do.'"

"Well, that's because you're clearly a top."

Diana got  _ uncomfortably _ close to Amanda. Not in a "OMG this pretty girl's so close to me, I'm so flustered" sort of way. In a "OMG is she going to eat me alive, I think she's going to eat me alive" sort of way. Okay, a little in the former way.

“Hannah! Are you saying my butt looks good?”

Akko put a strip of mental duct tape over her subconscious’ mouth to silence its protests

My superego: We're going to write a fluffy fic that's cute but not lewd at all

My unrepressed id, about to inject lewd into my fic: Oh, you haven't heard?

“Akko’s the top!” Hannah shouted.

She wore the same loud outfit she had last year, the borderline fetish gear aesthetics just as fresh and eye-catching as ever.

Good on Diana for resisting Croix’s worst advice.

Diana regretted taking any of Croix’s advice.

She crossed the stage, threw her arms around Diana’s neck, and kissed her full on the mouth in front of everyone. The audience cheered, though two dissenting voices could be heard: Amanda lamenting losing another bet, and Hannah yelling, “I told you Akko was the top!”

He got his kicks out of moralizing, evangelizing, and criticizing Akko for wearing skirts that showed too much of her ankles.

PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT MY THIGHS.

The morning after, Akko and Diana left her room as girlfriends, positively glowing after a night of… let’s say “furious cuddling” and leave it at that.

"Ohohoho! Diana! You've been reading too many spicy yuri manga!"

"That's dangerously close to flirting, Miss England."

"What's the problem? I thought all bisexuals could dual-wield. Isn't that one of your class features?"

You're going to give someone a kink with this chapter

Y'all ever just been punched right the fuck out by your mental and physical health? Anyway this isn't 2 weeks late if you remember that time is a human construct i.e. fake ass bullshit.

She was slightly less thankful (i.e. morbidly embarrassed) when she woke up the following morning next to a fully naked Akko curled up on her bed.

Amanda fucking O'Neill.

"O-kay," Barbara said sternly. "Let's hit the books before this turns into group therapy."

"Marriage?" Amanda scoffed. "Gay."

"And here you thought this was going to be a disaster." Barbara smirked. "What you got was a disaster lesbian. Well, you don't 'got' her yet, but you'll put a ring on it someday."

In which my heart has died a slow death. Gosh dang good author making me feel things.

##  **Gay Witches and Mean Bitches**

"Did you swallow one of my potions by mistake?" Sucy asked. "You know those are unfit for consumption

Diana was out on late evening study session with Akko (that  _ probably _ wasn't a euphemism),

"It was amazing." Barbara sounded like she'd been well and thoroughly screwed.

"Wait, how many girlfriends does Diana have now?" Akko frowned. "I'm confused."

"Brace yourself, Diana. You're about to get the heck relaxed out of you."

Hannah's eyes welled with concern. 

"Barbara, you're my best friend." 

"And you're mine," Barbara replied. 

"You know that I love you?"

"I've never been more sure of anything." 

"So you know I mean no offence when I ask you what the actual fuck you're doing?"

—thank goodness most students at Luna Nova had better things to do on a Saturday afternoon than traverse the fourth floor corridor hallway.

"I witnessed something not meant for mortal eyes."

Amanda and the Girls, Chocolate Freaks(TM)

"As expected of English weather,"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks 4 reading dont forget 2 bind safely and also self care the hecc out of ur self. u deserve it you worthy bastard


	3. ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has the tiniest bit of Bloom Into You. You will know when it starts.

Holding her hands in hazy hail has helped the hopeful heiress in happily having the heart of the hearty homo halcyon by her.

they stripped Diana

She laughed at the idea of Akko trying to rival Diana in _that_ area.

"Blushing only makes one feel warm!" Diana protested. "The dilation of blood vessels makes one vulnerable to colder temperatures!"

Also be sure to eat something hot afterwards, like Akko. You burn twice as many calories in the cold!

Touko was wearing… well, not a lot.

"Did you think there weren't uniforms in Hell?"

By now Yuu's dreams of living a shoujo manga life had well and truly derailed into an ecchi manga train wreck.

No wonder you haven't seduced anyone yet. You're totally a bottom."

Jasminka made noises of approval

Hannah was lying on her side on Amanda's bunk, trussed up like a turkey

Even she couldn't deny that Amanda could be smooth as hell when she wanted to.

"I don't know, Amanda." Hannah grinned. "Are you admitting to having read trashy romance novels?"

Amanda winked. "Only the lesbian ones."

"Friends don't tie friends up," Hannah replied. _Well,_ she thought, heart skipping a beat, _maybe really close friends do._

"Amanda's been seduced," Jasminka said.

Apparently no one except Amanda was surprised that Amanda was seduced that easily

2 words: very nice *winks*

Amanda and Hannah do a little bonding over getting in trouble with the professors. And by bonding I mean kissing

"You aren't paying that much attention to your lunch," Avery said slyly. "Maybe you're occupied thinking of a certain _snack_."

"Wh-what!?" Hannah started sweating. "I wasn't thinking about Amanda!"

"Why not? I'm hot shit."

A day in the life of Diana Cavendish as she ~~pursues~~ simps Akko

"Your glass of water is right there," Barbara said. "No need to go thirsty like this."

"Um, yeah!" Akko spluttered. "Night good! I mean, good night!"

jumped like a frightened cat.

Hannah wasn't in any mood to put up with Amanda's bullshit.

sat on it in the most unladylike way possible.

"That's the spirit, Hannah Banana."

"Amanda, do you realize what you did? You slipped Hannah your banana. Lewd."

"The joke would've been on you. I can't read."

"I can't tell if you're being serious, and I don't think I want to know."

"I should donate millions to solar power research or something, just to spite them. r maybe I could give it to eco-terrorists. Wait, I could _be_ an eco-terrorist!"

awakened feelings she hadn't allowed herself to have in forever. Gay feelings. For a girl. And not just "this girl is hot" feelings. _Feelings_ feelings.

planning mischief.

Hannah whistled. "Hot damn, you two are really going at it. Isn't this is the second time this month?"

Barbara was less amused. "Ladies, I know you two are horny, but could you keep it to your own beds? I don't want to clean up your mess."

"Damn, Hanbridge," Amanda said, elbowing him in the side. "I figured if anyone could make politics wet, it'd be you."

Amanda dabbed in response.

a coffee with insane amounts of sugar and cream for Akko

"How are you doing in the chick department? Or the fella' department? Or both?"

"Of course I've been getting closer to her," Akko said. "She's my rival. I'm going to get closer and closer and then before she even knows what's happening, I'll be the one on top!"

Amanda groaned. "Jennifer's tits, do you even hear yourself?"

"Oh heck," Akko said. "I have a crush on Diana."

"No," Amanda said, faking surprise, "really?"

"Pray to the sapphic goddesses,"

"Now that we've gotten the mushy stuff out of the way," Amanda said, "I want to hear more about how Akko wants to top Diana."

Akko and Amanda are having a bad influence on Andrew, infecting him with the memes

but she couldn't bear to be parted from her mechanical doodads.

She was almost jealous of the little vacuum.

"Tons of people bond with their roombas, and this one flies!"

"I can't believe you're so attached to something you step on and ride around on all the time," Ursula said.

Croix smirked. "Does that mean you don't love _me_?"

My bitchy bisexual girls at their best.

the perfect example that good breeding

And then Hannah realized that she was staring at her best friend's boobs.

You know you are the best of best friends when you can have a gay crisis with each other!

Oddly enough, stealth was not the strong point of a woman whose idea of subtlety was wearing an evil villain cape.

"So, you're attracted to an idiot."

"As are you, Meridies."

"Touché..."

"So, are you going to get your face out of my boobs any time soon?" Akko asked.

"No," came the muffled response. 

I love this. This is now canon and I will not take criticisms.

finnelan smiling? like actually smiling? wild. 

“Don’t worry for her safety. I’ve decided to take the crown princess as my wife.”

“WHAT!?” Akko blurted, her face’s colour matching that of her eyes.

well shit, i know have diabetes, thanks for that.

i fully embrace my completely unavoidable doom.

Two words going through Diana's head at that moment. "Hot damn."

Diana continued to ass

who would’ve thought the composed Lady Diana of House Cavendish is so easily riled up by calling her tutoring session with the worst witch in school a date? Amanda knew, that’s why she’s doing it and it’s so. Fucking. Fun.

but mostly it’s because she’s diagnosed with an affliction called not giving a fuck.

diana is super gay

“Eh?” Akko deadpanned for a second before flushing hard Andrew worried she’d explode. “EH?! Wha-why are you asking- that’s not appro- I happen to like-Why- why would you even ask me that- do you even like girls? Maybe you- you’re projecting on me and you really like bo- boys. Ha! Checkmate!“ Akko stuttered non-stop, rambling about inappropriate questions and personal business.

"N-Nani the fuck?!

Ah, young love. So wonderful, so romantic... SO FRUSTRATING WHEN THE TWO ARE CLUELESS ABOUT EACH OTHERS FEELINGS.

She was wearing blue sweatpants she stole from Amanda a few weeks prior and a _"Shiny Chariot Is My Waifu"_ sweatshirt with nothing on underneath

"I swear that friend of yours has a fungi fetish," Diana muttered.

Fun Fact: Luminous Mushrooms are a real thing and they are lit AF. (Pun intended)

Some ritual of sorts would take place at Sucy's house.

Sucy owned a ouiji board and used it

Then there was Amanda sleepovers. Those sleepovers were _never_ tame and alcohol was almost always consumed.

aw fjskjf akko is just a pupper, pls give her love :')

Diana had an assignment she hadn't finished and she wanted to finish it before it was due (the next week)

There was even an occasion when her and Amanda had exploded one of the school's toilets

Purple lilacs represent the first emotions of love while magenta lilacs symbolize deep love and passion.

And... prepare for maximum fluff! You may or may not die from all the sweetness in this chapter. (I low-key almost did)

Good Lord, as this story continues, this is making me seem more and more like a furry. I'm NOT a furry, guys, trust me.

"Okay, first of all, you need to pause your gay panic for a minute and sit down so you can breathe,"

"Yeah, cuddling _real_ hard if you know what I mean," Hannah laughed.

"Okay, never say _intercourse_ within my proximity ever again,"

"Well that's because she's a player," Akko grumbled.

Sucy shrugged. "Tis the life of an asexual."

Akko smiled. "If you think that I'm not sleeping on your boobs all night, you're wrong."

"What is this, some kind of lesbian torture?" Akko squealed and shook her head.

Akko smirked. "Fuck she's amazing, or she _fucks_ amazing?"

...y'all really want the leash?

Daryl's eyes flickered from Diana to Akko. "Very well. Miss. Kagari, I welcome you once again to Cavendish Manor. If there is anything you may need, please hesitate to ask."

"Eh, I've been called _way_ worse things," Akko shrugged.

Diana frowned. "Like what?"

"Straight," Akko giggled.

This took a while to actually finish (smh when you're writing smut instead of doing homework...)

Pun intended.

_fuck me._ Please

Akko looked like a kicked puppy,

...I need a cold shower now after editing and re-reading this.

writing smut at ungodly hours. I like your style

the only right time to write smut is between 2 am - 5:30 am after being up for over 20 hours and your on your third cup of coffee in an hour

"Are you seriously blue-balling me right now?" Amanda asked, looking quite offended.

"I can't do that to you since you don't have the reproductive organs required to do so," Hannah stated, walking back to her own stool and taking a seat.

Wow this and Butch Diana updating so close to each other, it's a great day for yuri shipping!

"Hey, Gayvendish!"

she'd be lying if she didn't enjoy watching the athletic girls work out.

"Oh, yeah," Jasminka said. She threw back the shot of vodka

also i drank a lot of wine

okay so I might have made Diana very gay oops kinda like it tho yolo live fast die young amirite

spamming meme after meme,

"Get in, bitches! We're going shopping!"

On the one hand, she really did need to study—she didn't want to get any further behind than a month ahead in any of her courses just in case something happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> plz self care ur self ok bye


	4. ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is just quotes from "Little Horsey Academia" by luxrva. How that fic is over 300,000 words long is a mystery. The next chapter too. God bless

Instead, she relied on the yuri manga she hid behind her schoolbooks and pirated poor-quality movies and shows on her laptop to satisfy her growing feelings.

But Akko had to admit one thing: she thought the girls here were way prettier and she didn't have to feel bad for looking at them.

i would like to thank my british friends for showing me what a phone number looks like

"That's quality content right there. I'm adding this to my wank bank."

"I've got an idea. You're single, I'm single, this is hot as hell, let's-"

"You're not my type, anyway. Too sexy.

Dinner had consisted of chips and marshmallows, which was acceptable in Akko's book.

Amanda was getting thoroughly smashed by Sucy, who was smirking with glee.

she gave Akko _way_ too much head

Akko would have taken the death. Sweet, sweet death.

Akko could have kissed her right there. Platonically. On the cheek.

who did this

i drank a bourbon barrel stout and it's like 12% so hopefully this chapter is still in english

also i might have forgotten to take my anxiety meds oops mb.

Miss Nelson looked zonked out of her mind

"What would you know about safety?" Akko asked, squinting her eyes at the other girl. "I seem to remember you stealing someone's horse and then trying to run them over with it."

File that away for later under Things To Ask Diana About.

here's where we take off at 100mph lol bye have a good time

How was she supposed to sleep next to an impossibly hot girl and _not_ have inappropriate thoughts?

This was lesbian torture.

Diana shot at glare at Hannah, one that she hoped very clearly said, " _If you say anything more, I will kill you and carve your skin off your body to use as a throw rug at the entrance of the Cavendish Manor so that everybody who enters and leaves will trample on your once very smug remains_ ," 

But she did make a mental note to add batteries to her shopping list for that week.

btw i should have named this chapter diana cavendish is a fucking lesbian

The tall, gorgeous girl that was going to put her into cardiac arrest before the weekend was over.

well, her insides would have likely painted the walls and housekeeping would have been _very_ upset over the mess.

It was stupid, but Akko never claimed to always think with the smart part of her brain, and so the addition of Diana to that slightly tilted scale made one end drop like she'd thrown a two ton weight on it.

Wow, I feel like a divorced parent in a custody battle.

LET THE GAY TORMENT BEGIN SUCKAAAAZ

i'm busy tonight so enjoy this boi.

Two biggo gay dorks and a happy mama Callistis!

"hot diggity thats some gay shit" 

Diana had been trying to ask Akko out on a date—a _real_ date, not getting tipsy on Jasminka's Russian hooch and terrorizing Akko's pony

_Diana 20:33_

_Easy to say when you skip class and sleep in._

_Akko 20:33_

_THAT WAS ONE TIME_

_this week_

_one time this week_

_so far_

Diana buried her face into her mare's black mane, took a deep breath, and screamed—internally, of course—until she felt like she could function again.

Which turned out to be a _significant_ amount of time.

hey how you guys holding up, if you're thirsty i brought a whOLE DANG FIREHOSE DRINK DEEP FRIENDS

"Diana, I want to go on a big lesbian date with you,"

And then in bed, she'd whispered into her pillow, "Hey there, Diana, how would you feel about some exclusive Akko time?" and her pillow had said nothing back, because it was just a pillow, and Akko had growled in frustration and gone to sleep instead.

"There you go," Lotte had said proudly, showing Akko the finished product of her very first Halloween costume—a werewolf. "You look _just_ like I'd picture Arthur looking like! If he was a girl, of course. And Japanese."

Amanda had apparently tried to get them to use candles, but Constanze and Jasminka, the voices of reason, had very reasonably explained that drunk people + candles = fire,

Akko had told her roommates that Diana had asked her out on a date, of _course_ , because how could she have possibly kept something that exciting to herself? It had led to a lot of teasing on Sucy's part and a lot of scolding Sucy on Lotte's part.

She was painfully aware that she was alone with Diana, which was what she wanted… but now that it was _happening_ , her internal organs were shutting down one by one.

Why am-I never alone when I stumble upon an erotic scene? _Why???_ ,> <,

"You wouldn't understand, you're socially repressed and I don't feel like explaining it to you,"

The smaller redhead was dressed as Belle from Night Fall. She only knew because Barbara was obsessed with that absurd excuse for literature and random volumes constantly littered their flat.

"You sound funny," Cardboard Head said.

_thanks for coming tonight ^_^_

_and sorry you had to neuter yourself_

surprise!! have a good weekend ok i'm gonna go play subnautica bye

With knowledge came understanding, and with understanding came second guessing, and with second guessing came third guessing... or something like that.

Or... pull any kind of Akko mishap, for that matter.

music that sounded French.

She was going to self combust.

"I know you're lesbians, but damn, first date's a little too soon to make babies, isn't it?"

God. Let 👏 them 👏 fuck 👏

but now she felt like a grown adult trying to fit onto a tricycle

but she was surely monosyllabic.

And, well, she'd... well… _thought_ about Diana. While she was doing things. And stuff.

All that gay panic could wait for at _least_ the next four minutes of her life.

who did this?

yes, I like Akko; no, we aren't officially dating; no, we are not banging in the hotel room that we are happening to share, alone, and also sleeping in the same bed, alone, even though I would love to be doing exactly that.

I stayed up until 1 A.M. writing this because I could *not* stop.

Life sucked, but it was still good.

the discord did this

It wasn't like the other girl to just come up and be near her for more than three minutes without a slew of "Gayvendish" and a bunch of other inappropriate lesbian jokes.

"Pajamas for the Netflix, nothing for the chill,"

So......we really gonna slowburn our way to sexytimes now huh

"keep the part where diana jerks off three times"

"I'm going to order all the porn and tell front desk to charge it to Lotte Yansson."

Akko Dealing With Diana's Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Who Called Her Korean When She Clearly Wasn't.

Akko, with her desperate crush and complete obliviousness to Diana's unquenchable lesbian thirst,

In Amanda's book, nothing was ever ruined. Things just got banged up a little.

*Skedaddles away with glee*

Bloody.

Fucking.

Hell.

i wrote half of this at work. do you know what that does to a girl?

No, she had to throw herself into the deep end and hope for the best in typical Akko fashion.

lewd moan

"Blue ribbon it is," Akko said. "Diana Cavendish: First Place at Sex. How's that?"

Light and a whole lot of technological ignorance.

**F**

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) niiiiiiiice

it's safe to read this next to your mother.

"Now, about Akko and this big lesbian relationship the two of you are having."

"And I really don't care," Sucy pointed out.

"If you hurt that sweet summer child, we will come for you,"

she would have caught it but her reactions were delayed because she was staring at Diana's boobs

made her regret every decision in her life until that moment. 

o7

getting Akko to focus on studying was slowly and very surely making Diana think that there was, indeed, an impossible task in a world that was full of nothing but possibilities.

She'd tidied her already tidied room,

and mewled Diana's name along with a slew of Japanese,

She had a big mouth that spewed questionable content on the regular

the girl who had simply been pushed right back into the glass closet

There was barely any wall showing through the amount of anime posters Akko had taped up everywhere.

yes, i am in fact dead inside after writing this

#  **F**

They were stuck together—and that was much better than being stuck apart.

if she didn't get an A she had already decided she was burning her textbook and making s'mores in the flames.

I'm a complete dolt

"Have you met you, Diana Cavendish?"

"Has she even _seen_ you? Jeez, you're a knockout with clothes on and then, kuso, naked, you're, like… pscchowww."

I will shave this Barbie hair off your head while you're sleeping and shove it down your throat."

Being awake was not on her agenda for the current time.

Did you have cats? I had one. Her name was Mana and she was a calico. A fish once, too, but I killed him in like a week because I tried to give him orange soda."

Embarrassment flushed her cheeks and she turned over and buried her face into her pillow, hoping that the cool fabric would put out the fire in her face. It didn't.

5,600 words of metaphors

i'm not sorry for any of this

as she stared, wide-eyed and slack-jawed, at a very half-naked Akko whose fingers were still inside a very fully-naked Diana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey fanfic writers. do me a favor. FINISH YO WORKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
> 
> anyway plz self care bye


	5. E

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> amanda is a genderfluid gangster from huston change my mind

let out the cutest whimper

Fear was the weight of the world, but the world was in her arms, and suddenly the burden did not seem so much to bear.

i changed my mind k

Hannah was not a stranger to mindless, emotionless sex. Hell, she had Tinder.

Hell, she flirted with anything that didn't have a dick,

her brain had thoroughly reached its limit long ago,

stopped her jumping career to become a gamer.

She knew that Miss Callistis was Chariot du Nord—they'd had that conversation and Akko had thoroughly gotten out her fangirling

"I couldn't pull that off, but you look hot as hell in that! My tits were way too big."

" _ Diana's taking nudes in public." _ Hannah cackled. "Our baby girl really is growing up, isn't she, Barb?"

"I can't believe you tried to have sex with me in front of my horse,"

"Stop to think," Akko echoed, narrowing her eyes as she rolled onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. She lay like that for a long pause before saying, "What is ' _ stop and think _ '? I'm not familiar."

"Uh, that's kind of deep. Is this pillow talk?" 

"Gaaayy," Akko drawled.

"Stripper name," Amanda rejected with a dismissive wave of her hand. "No chance in hell."

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy!"

"Well, if it was up to me, I'd just forge the bitch,"

"Sometimes you have to be selfish," Akko said. "Because the only constant in life is yourself."

At least she wasn't wearing an anime t-shirt. For that much, Okaasan would be grateful.

Han _ nah _ ! Hurry up. Your hair looks fine and six outfits is plenty for two days!"

Barbara glanced down at the little calico kitten who was currently chasing a twist tie through the kitchen.

"Bloody hell, Amanda hasn't even texted me yet today. Oh—wait. I lied. She did. ' _ Ay boo whatchu do _ ?'," she read mockingly.

"Are you serious?" Hannah exclaimed, her eyebrows scrunching together as she flopped back into her own seat with her hand still gripping the back of Diana's. "Akko sends you the most lovey-dovey  shit on the planet and  I get,  _ 'Ay boo whatchu do _ '?

hi I'm alive I promise

"So the great Akko Kagari is capable of thought. No worries, your secret is safe with me."

Akko was  _ certain _ that Sucy probably liked the least desirable flavor of Skittles.

"You know," Akko said, "It's really hard to concentrate on studying when you're lying here naked next to me."

Tell me, have you ever had any fantasies about scissoring on top of a bunch of historical fiction?"

"I don't even know what to address first with what you just said. First, please never refer to our sex life as scissoring-ever, for the love of God-and, no, I have not ever considered doing anything of the  sort. That would be highly uncomfortable, not to mention extremely disrespectful to the authors and the literary works themselves-"

while they reviewed their respective material. Akko's being family psychology, Diana's being… well, decimated horse vaginas. 

throwing stones and watching the way they bounce off horse flesh under different weather conditions."

It was hot. Dreadfully hot

"Amanda O'Neill couldn't lead a drug sniffing dog to a hundred kilograms of cocaine sitting two meters away,"

the way you take toast out of the toaster and spin around once like you've created some divine meal.

how many horse parallels can one person make in a single story? WATCH ME AND FIND OUT.

i am not editing this and no one can make me so i put faith in the accuracy of my fingers and the speed of my brain

"You look like a love-struck puppy," 

"Gay Neill."

"Doesn't work. Nice try."

"Gaymanda."

Lotte looked like a nervous wreck. Her orange hair was askew from running her hands through it so much. On the other end of the spectrum, Sucy looked like she'd taken a handful of Xanax

"Couldn't name him anything normal like Black Mold or A Raging Asshole's Unfortunate Mount."

"Jas, I will cunt punt you to—"

"I swear to Secretariat's rotted testicles, I will rip you off that fancy pony and dump you in the bin myself,"

one time i fell in a bush at sweet briar and came out covered in 500 million baby ticks and ripped my breeches off and ran away in my underwear

i had more to say but i forgot bye

"Look, you inbred piece of shit,"

this is 14k words and it's 3 am. i hope there aren't very many errors but if there are i'm sorry it was like 57 pages and i am dead.

And a puzzle without a missing piece was never satisfying, no matter how beautiful the art.

"I know, Gaygari."

and she knew very little in the way of sign language other than Hello, Lesbian, and a few other obscenities.

Knock 'em dead as a door snail! Door snails unite!"

Sucks isn't a swear word,"

Studying is for the weak." Akko shrugged. "Completely unnecessary."

My wardrobe is the floor

"And I feel I must disclose that I do poop."

because being together wasn't always perfect but it was always  _ worth _ it.

“You literally just killed a horse and you’re asking me to marry you with the same hand you just murdered her with.”

“I’m often fist deep in a horse’s rear end or covered in seminal fluid,”

“I will love you when you answer my questions and even when you’re sick of it and tell me I have to google why ants smell funny.”

“I will love you when you’re covered to the elbow in whatever part of the horse you decided to fist that day--”

A kko could melt on the spot,

* clinks wine glass filled with capri sun*

A kko could get away with murder

Will Diana really get herself together?

Is she going to get a fresh set of clothes?

Are shortcakes pastries or biscuits?

Am I going to rewrite entire paragraphs because I forgot the English word for bandages?

These questions and many more will be answered in the next chapter of this comatose adventure!

Find out in the next chapter Of Little Witch Anatomy

I  wrote this at half past 1 last night on an impulse so to speak.

"So stop being such a prude and enjoy this break! Specially since we’re not the ones paying for the booze.”

"Yes!” Amanda exclaims happily. “It only took one year to know what to say to get you annoyed.”

“ So I just saw a happy tornado make its way towards the kitchen.”

Akko was a klutz.

She could not cook and even managed to burn a pan with only water.

“I love pasta!”

“I…” Akko hiccups while doing her best to ventilate the room. “I burned the water.”

“I didn’t say it.” Akko promises cheekily. “It was Muhammad Ali!”

“Well, he knew his history very well.” Diana tells her with a soft laugh. “Because like you, he took credit for quotes that were not his.”

Happy unbirthday Diana!”

Andrew used his many years of lectures in proper dictation and etiquette in order to phrase what he wanted to say in the most simple, concise, and elegant manner possible.

“Well, I fucked up.”

She came in with a bang—a literal bang, because the heavy wooden door of the dorm room hit the wall so hard Diana was afraid it would leave a hole

“This is fucking  _ amazing!  _ ”

But routine and respect were clearly not on Akko’s agenda, because it was nearly midnight by the time the girl was in the shower, belting out the lyrics of a particularly hyperactive song with all the skill of a tone-deaf mule.

She was going to haunt the bloody hell out of this

“Were you two  _ fucking in the library? Oh my god! _ ”

dating Akko  _ did  _ require quite a high tolerance for embarrassment. Something she had learned through experience. Perhaps too much experience.

Luna Nova's top student's forehead hit the desk as the room went silent.

“ _God,_ I wish Diana would motivate _me_ to study, I bet she has some great _‘study_ _skills’_ to teac- _ACK!_ ”

She was going to throttle Amanda once this ordeal was over.

We all read that sort of stuff, we’re hormonal teenage girls!

You do realise I live with Lotte? The world's biggest Nightfall fan? Which by itself isn't  _ super _ raunchy but when you add in the fan stuff…  _ wow _ \- it’s  _ vivid _ . She reads that with a straight face too- in  public!”

“Maybe you’ll find out if my tongue is where I’m blessed with  _ natural talent _ .

If you wanna talk about literally anything (but especially gay ladies) hit me up on discord,

Casual usually works better when you're wearing the right clothes.

"Akko, please take off your clothing." she ordered.

with a light touch of alcohol and a cacophony of squeaks later,

Because Akko Kagari. 

Diana had long since covered her face in her hands and quietly thanked the gods that nobody else was around to witness this steaming trainwreck.

She was frustrating, and cute. Frustratingly cute.

My nose ran, my ears rang, and it felt like a brownie was constantly pounding on my head like a drum!

Atsuko Kagari or Akko for short wasn’t much of a funny person but she lived a comedic life.

[Alternatively: Diana is a repressed dork]

She probably had an expression that no dignified Cavendish should be caught wearing.

It was damp, sticking to Akko’s skin in a way that made Diana want to send herself to detention.

You’re head over heels, we get it, but you two aren’t exactly kids anymore. You’re nineteen; that makes Akko about eighteen, yes? I’m talking about the kind of attraction related to  _ physical intimacy _ , and—oh my god? Are you okay?”

“you are… major league repressed, Diana.”

“I dislike the implication that I’m  _ usually _ weird.”

Akko had made an undignified squeak—

“Yeah! Like. She literally pushed me a total  _ arms’ length _ away and began telling me about how much she respected me—”

“That sounds just like her,” Barbara nodded.

“—and honestly? I was so… swooning? Doesn’t every girl just want to be respected?”

“You know  _ so many _ synonyms for ‘stupid’, I’m a bit concerned,”

It's 5:20AM. I am procrastinating Appointments Chapter 3. I must be awake in 4 hours. Are there any regrets? Nope.

Is Diana a dork? Absolutely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I've finally graduated from inhaling lesbian smut at ungodly paces to writing said lesbian smut. It's gonna be some young Chariox, but I need some help. What would the names Chariot's teammates be? Name them in the comments. Also, if someone wants to beta read it, hit me up.


	6. Update

Hey y'all,

Earlier this morning, I left the diakko Discord server. According to my parents, everybody there is a pedophile who wants to groom me. Online friends are apparently strangers. I can now only interact with people that I know IRL. I figured that I owe y'all an explanation, and just know that I will be back soon. My brain just needs "reprograming." This will apparently include library books. "I'm sure the library has some animes." I don't know when that exactly will be, but know that I am not leaving the fandom, and will continue to produce content. 

\- Meh_66


End file.
